Cancer Sucks - Reviving this Blog

Just know up front - this post will likely not be well written.  It’s raw - real.  

The last week of February I discovered a lump in my left breast.  I was scheduled for a mammogram and ultrasound very quickly and had a biopsy that included one lymph node the following day.  While I waited on results, the kids and I were blessed to spend four days in Orange Beach, Alabama for Spring Break. When we planned this trip, I didn’t know how much I would need it.  The sea soothes my soul!

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I received the call just as we were coming back in to town letting me know that the pathology report showed that it was Invasive Ductal Carcinoma and that the one axillary lymph node tested positive. 

I thought I was prepared.  I was not! My PCP, whom I love dearly, worked tirelessly for two days to get referrals in the works to MD Anderson and Methodist in The Woodlands. I will have my first appointment with an oncologist on Monday, March 29. 

Today the kids and I are fine - yes Janie and Christine and many others - we are fine.  Many of you who know me well know that I always say I’m fine. But right now we really are. We are all staying positive and living life normally.  We’ve traveled this cancer road before and have faith that the Lord will heal me of this awful disease.  We have a large, amazing support system, and I know I will need their/your help has things progress.

Prayer requests for now are that the cancer has not spread any further than where we currently know it to be and that we all remain positive and lean on the Lord and those who are walking this road with us. 

This verse was so important to all of us in the two years Tim battled cancer, and now I find myself holding onto it again.

But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. James 1:6

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Give Thanks, Even in the Darkest Days

You know, this has easily been the most difficult week of my entire life. But I am choosing to walk into the grief and the sadness with thankfulness. This is going to have to be a conscious effort on my part, but I know it is what is going to get me through.  Paul wrote to the church at Ephesus, “always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” (5:20) He implores the Colossians to, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” (3:15) 

Thank you, Lord, for the 29 years I had with Tim.  These are just a few of the things I’m thankful for. 

• Provider
• Hardly ever called repairman
• Put up with my bossiness but convinced me to see his way
• Rarely questioned me
• Was my sounding board
• The best dad
• Always told the kids he loved them
• Hugged them
• Let them see him cry
• Taught them to work hard
• Let them make mistakes
• Told them to suck it up 
• Didn’t tolerate ignorance
• Detested laziness
• Served others - sometimes at the expense of family or so I thought.  
• Fair
• Loyal to a fault
• Wanted for nothing 
• Set up all our technology with patience
• patience
• Observant
• Sense of humor like none other
• Silly
• LAUNDRY
• Fighter
• Taught me compassion
• Moved us back to Huntsville despite my wishes - because the Lord told him to
• Wrapping Christmas presents - I’m terrible and didn’t do it good enough to his liking
• Weed eating.  I still don’t know how. 

A New Focus - Making Each Day Count

Over the last week, Tim has experienced a rapid decline in his health and quality of life.  Cancer tumors have taken over both of his lungs and he is having extreme difficulty breathing.  Between this and the fact that he is eating almost nothing, he has no energy and is easily zapped.

Today we embarked on something I wish upon no one - Hospice Care. I say that because for us it means there are no more viable options to cure or slow down the progression of Tim's disease. Although I desperately wish we didn't have to go through this, I am so thankful for people who walk with us through it.  Our primary care doctor cried with us, prayed with us, and expedited paperwork to get us moving in the right direction.  The admissions nurse was most helpful and explained everything - for those of you who have experienced my "lists," you know this can be a daunting task. We already know that we are blessed with a hospice doctor who will give us the very best care - she's the entire reason we chose the hospice organization we did.  Let me just say, Hospice Care is a gift.  Those who choose to work in hospice are gifted and it's a gift to the patients and their families. 

This is awful and I hate every minute of it, but know that one day our tears will become fewer and we will be able to treasure the memories we have. For now, the four of us are spending as much time together as possible.  We laugh, we cry, and we just sit in silence together.  We know life goes on around us and I'm trying to keep the kids' schedules as normal as possible, for one day we will reenter everyday life with a new normal.

Pray specifically for Cooper and Abby as they live this horrible experience. They are my and Tim's biggest concern.

Home Sweet Home

I came home last night and the kids and I slept in a bit this morning.  We were planning to get there before the doctors made their rounds, but my brother called at 8:40 to tell me that they would be discharging Tim today.  After a long day of waiting, we finally made it home about 6:00pm. Praise the Lord! We continue to covet the many prayers coming our way.

Psalm 95:2-3 Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song. For the LORD is the great God, the great King above all gods.

What day is it?

Day 4 is all we know.  Neither of us knew the date or the day of the week when we woke up this morning.  I finally wrote it on the board.  It also dawned on us that we will “gain an hour” tomorrow night. Not real sure what to think about that.  You’ll understand more in a bit.

Discharge Date is Blank 😢

After a VERY LONG night, doctors made rounds early this morning.  We were up 8 times between 10pm and 6am. That’s 8 times in 8 hours!! I was dead on my feet! The way I calculated it is that if we gain an hour, that’s one more time we have to be up in the night, not one more hour of sleep. 😩

The primary care team feels his elevated WBC is related to the cancer as he has no other signs of infection.  They were clear that the goal to go home is still to get his numbers up - most importantly his RBC and his sodium.

Nephrology has put him on a limited fluid intake in an effort to keep from flushing any sodium and ordered an MRI of his brain for late this evening to see if there is anything they can see that might be causing the low sodium count.  (My math above is the liquid he has ingested today so far.)

As far as the RBC, he is currently getting a blood transfusion.  

Mel, Tim, and his new blood. 

Regardless of the length of time we’ve been here or will be here, we know we are blessed and are thankful for so many things.  We’ve had excellent care from his nurses (Mel above has been his day nurse these last few days), PCPs, doctors, and his case manager who has set up his oxygen at home already.  We have a really nice big room that is comfortable for both of us.  We are thankful for our friends who continue to check on us and pray for and with us. Our families have done everything we’ve needed and asked.  (My brother is coming to stay tonight so that I can go home and SLEEP 💤 and spend time with the kids. I told Tim that Andy better get the full experience of being up every hour!). Our kids have been real troopers through all of this. The Lord has blessed us by allowing us to be their parents.

The Power of Prayer

If you don’t believe in the power of prayer or God the Father, come see me! Last night and this morning I know that we had people from all Christian and Jewish faiths praying for Tim to be healed.  Today is a new day.  We prayed that the Lord would give the doctors wisdom and guidance, and it worked.  A cardiologist and pulmonologist came early this morning and determined that his heart issues were being triggered by the lungs.  Within an hour they had us moved downstairs, and they drained fluid from around his right lung. They told us they expected to get 200-400cc of fluid.  When they came to get me when it was over, they had 1300cc. That’s 5 1/2 cups or a little over a third of a gallon.  It was a lot! Almost immediately, he was able to breathe easier and his heart rate has returned to normal.  Jehova Rapha, the Lord who heals, is alive and well!

For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen. Romans 11:36

Sights, Sounds, & Thoughts in the ER

I’m sitting in ER Room 30 at MD Anderson in the medical center as I write this.  It’s nearly 11:00 pm and we’ve been here almost five hours.  I have no idea what is going on outside this room.  My world right now consists of watching the heart monitor and his oxygen levels and listening to the clicking of the IV pump as they furiously pump fluids in to Tim’s body. It’s occasionally interrupted by the crying of the child patient in the next room, but I can’t even be bothered by that because I know that sweet baby doesn’t want to be going through this any more than we do.

It’s been a crazy seven days and this is the first quiet time I’ve really had.  Last Monday we left home  at 4:30 am for a CT scan. Wednesday was his normal treatment day for the trial drug, so we saw the doctor before treatment for the scan results.  The scan showed that the tumors in his liver and lungs have grown by more than 20% in the last 60 days, which is their marker to determine that the trial is not working.

We followed up with his oncologist on Friday and were told there is currently no viable treatment option.  He encouraged us to work on getting Tim to eat more and build up some strength, and we would see the trial doctor again in November to determine if there were any trials available, and if he was strong enough to be admitted to one. (Yes, I know that’s a hot mess of a sentence.)

Over the past two weeks, Tim has been spending significantly more time sleeping and had begun to experience some shortness of breath.  This got worse over the weekend and when I got home today I loaded him up and brought him to the ER.  So now I sit.  We are currently waiting on the results of CT of his chest and will hopefully learn what is going on and what can be done.

We are all okay.  We know that the Lord is ultimately in control, but we are still holding out hope for a miracle.  We’ve prayed with our pastor and Tim’s closest  friends this evening, and we’ve prayed with each other. Please pray with us for healing, for strength, for comfort, for peace.  And please pray for the kids.

 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. James 1:6