A Condition of the Heart

One of those silly "quizzes" appeared in Facebook feed this morning - What kind of heart do you actually have?  Ten seemingly unrelated questions later, and a new screen appears - "You have a Generous Heart." - NOT

What I have meditated on today is this -  If I don't have a generous heart, then what is the true nature of my heart? But more importantly, what do I want it to be?

• A heart for Jesus?
• A heart rooted in love?
• A broken heart?
• A tender heart?
• A selfless heart?
• A courageous heart?

I think I want to be all of those.  But what comes first? What's most important?

I think the God was very clear in both the Old Testament and when Jesus speaks in the New Testament.  In Psalm 51:10, David writes, "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." And Jesus affirms in Matthew 5:8, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."

I think there's my answer.  I want to be able to describe my heart as clean and pure.  Wow - that's hard and I'm sure hoping I'm not in this alone.

So where do I - scratch that - we (remember I said, surely I'm not alone) go from here?

This indicates to me that we can't do it alone.  I think part of it is just being honest and asking God to create in us clean hearts. In my case, I probably will have to do this EVERY DAY. And maybe sometimes more than once a day.  Whenever I find myself being judgmental, or tempted to gossip, or selfish, or greedy, or (this list could be whole post on it's own) - because I have purposed to memorize scripture - I can pray Psalm 51:10 over my own heart right then and faith that God will do so.

That doesn't mean that we don't have practical responsibility in the matter, for we are told, "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

Because I work and live in the "real world" just like you all do, I encounter people and situations that can negatively impact the condition of my heart. If I let these things take root in my heart, I create a stronghold for Satan.

I'd like to end with a prayer for myself, my family, and my friends - Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Hebrew 10:22

I’m Learning to Speak - and a purpose for my blog

Let me preface this with if you haven’t read Speak by Nish Wiseth, I encourage you to do so.  It was a quick, easy read.  I got it last Friday and had it finished by Saturday evening and it wasn’t as if I just sat and read -  Sister had a volleyball tournament both days and I squeezed in taking Boober to a birthday party. I don’t know Nish and am definitely not getting anything for promoting her book, but I do know that it came into my life when God was stirring me to be more intentional about sharing my own life stories.

I don’t have a fancy website and I’m no Jen Hatmaker, Jennie Allen, or any other “famous” blogger - another post on this whole idea down the road - but I’ve come to realize that blogging is my way to process what’s going on in this crazy life of mine.  After reading Speak, I’ve realized that I think maybe it might also be a way for me to share my story with others (those very few who might actually read my blog).

I’m not a Bible scholar  theologian, evangelist, pastor - wasn’t gifted with these gifts - yet, another post for another day, but  I am a real Christ follower who messes up, who wants to do right, who attempts to right my wrongs.  So I’m going to be more intentional about sharing my life and what God is doing through the everyday stories. Sometimes it’s going to be messy, but not to share them would be disobedient.  It’s in these stories that we connect and grow the kingdom of God.

Feel free to share my blog, comment, pray for me. But most of all, go boldly and learn to Speak!

I AM Selfish!

When I woke up yesterday morning, I guess I thought it was just going to be another day of me living life they way I wanted to.  I planned to come home after church and do pretty much nothing. At this point in my life I should know that just when I'm starting to feel content living life the way I think it should go, God is going to make sure that I am well aware of His plans. 

Today's post is a confession - I AM SELFISH!

I don't think I've ever really looked inside myself  so closely to come to the realization that I am indeed a selfish person - probably because I didn't want to admit it.  I can't say now that I really want to admit it either, but confessing it has to be the first step in my quest of repentance.

We arrived at church in time for the CEO to do whatever it is he does in the Preschool Department.  The kids and I decided to stay in the car so they could finish their breakfast - No I was not ready in time for us to actually go in and sit down and eat in the donut shop.  As they were finishing their donuts and kolaches, I found myself passing time on my phone.  Cars were arriving in the parking lot and I didn't pay much attention to what was going on around me.  The only thing that drew my attention was a mini van attempting to park in the handicap spot in front of me. (I probably wouldn't have noticed it except it had to back up fairly close to the front of my car in order to get in the spot.) Once it parked I watched as "J," a lady in my new small group, got out of the van and began to unload her children.  I don't really know J, but I do know that she has an elementary aged daughter with special needs, a preschooler, and a baby.  J's husband is back in their home country in Africa for a month, so J is basically a single parent while he's gone.  I watched as she unloaded the wheel chair form the back of the van, settled her oldest daughter into it, and parked her to wait outside of the door while she unloaded the younger two.  The Holy Spirit just darned near reached out and physically poked me.  I am not usually one to just walk up and talk to someone I don't know (another post coming about this one soon) - but I hurried the kids out of the car and found myself asking J if she needed help.  Her response, "Yes, thank you."  I handed my Bible and notebook off to Sister and offered my hand to the preschooler while J unstrapped the baby. I found myself escorting a four year old to her class while pushing the wheel chair of her older sister.  As I made my way to my small group I realized how little that took of me to help her for what amounted to less than 5 minutes.  I wonder how often I ignore situations where I could help others because I'm too consumed with my own comfort.

After our small group, I met Sister and Boober in the foyer of the worship center and we ran into my parents as they were getting out of the early service.  My dad wanted to know when the CEO was coming out to help him adjust the settings on his new spreader so that he could fertilize his hay pasture.  My immediate response was that I didn't know because he had things to get done at our house.  What I was not saying was that his wanting the CEO to come out and help him was interfering with my plans for all four of us to be at home and just do nothing. It also meant that if he went out to their house, I would have to do anything that needed to be done around our house - laundry, empty the dishwasher - you know those real strenuous time consuming things that just have to be done. All I wanted to do was go home and either read or take a nap. I was so consumed with myself and my plans - which weren't really plans at all - that I went on in to worship mildly frustrated. Throughout worship I could feel the Holy Spirit trying to get my attention - I even became emotional at one point and quickly dried the tears that threatened to run off what little mascara I had bothered with.

It wasn't until we all got home and the CEO left to go help with the spreader that God really made me aware of how selfish I am.  He began to speak very clearly in my head that the CEO would rather be at home with his feet propped up on the ottoman flipping between the Cowboys, the Texans, and snoring. I was quickly reminded of all my parents have done and continue to do for us at a moment's notice; yet when it was time for one of us to help them, I didn't want to give up what I thought was more important - NOTHING, really.

Since yesterday - yes, I know, it hasn't even been 24 hours - I find myself focusing on the fact that I am selfish.  I want to tell myself this everyday (probably 100 times a day) so that I might actually focus on something other than my wants.

Father God, Lord Jesus - 

I come to you confessing that I am selfish. I don't know if I've ever really acknowledged that. I see it in the way I ask the kids to stop what they are doing and let the dog out when I am sitting 3 feet away reading a book.  I see it when I walk into the bedroom, see a pile of clothes waiting to be folded, and walk away thinking that the CEO will do it when he comes home. I see it when I tell someone that I can't cook a meal for someone because that's the only night of the week that I didn't already have somewhere to be. Father, continue to point these selfish moments out to me so that I can see them for what they are. I ask that you forgive me of this sin - I'm sure I'll have to ask forgiveness again, more than once.  Thank you for the guilt that comes with these moments - it gets my attention. I want to be a servant to others and I know that I am missing opportunities to do so when I'm only worried about myself. 

A New Year - A New Me

I've spent the last week contemplating a New Year's Resolution that I might actually keep. 

Eating better.  Spending less. Giving more.  

These all were up for consideration along with several others.  Some were selfish while others focused on my relationship with Jesus.  However, none of these won out. I started a new Bible study this morning that I just happened across.  Not really I know God led me to this particular study. It's actually a two year study so it's a HUGE commitment for me.  

This morning's reading was Genesis 1:1-2:3. As I read the very familiar creation story, I found myself really drawn to Genesis 1:26-27 "Then God said, “Let us make mankindin our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals,[a] and over all the creatures that move along the ground." So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them."

Every "resolution" I had considered paled in comparison to seeking to live as God created me to - in His image. This, my resolution.  I know it's not going to be easy, but to do otherwise will be blatant disobedience. 

It's a little scary to think what this really means. I already feel like I'm going to fail - of course I will, it's called sin. I've begun to worry what people who read this will think when I mess up. Satan is already rearing his ugly head. Making the attempt is better than continuing the way I was.