When I woke up yesterday morning, I guess I thought it was just going to be another day of me living life they way I wanted to. I planned to come home after church and do pretty much nothing. At this point in my life I should know that just when I'm starting to feel content living life the way I think it should go, God is going to make sure that I am well aware of His plans.
Today's post is a confession - I AM SELFISH!
I don't think I've ever really looked inside myself so closely to come to the realization that I am indeed a selfish person - probably because I didn't want to admit it. I can't say now that I really want to admit it either, but confessing it has to be the first step in my quest of repentance.
We arrived at church in time for the CEO to do whatever it is he does in the Preschool Department. The kids and I decided to stay in the car so they could finish their breakfast - No I was not ready in time for us to actually go in and sit down and eat in the donut shop. As they were finishing their donuts and kolaches, I found myself passing time on my phone. Cars were arriving in the parking lot and I didn't pay much attention to what was going on around me. The only thing that drew my attention was a mini van attempting to park in the handicap spot in front of me. (I probably wouldn't have noticed it except it had to back up fairly close to the front of my car in order to get in the spot.) Once it parked I watched as "J," a lady in my new small group, got out of the van and began to unload her children. I don't really know J, but I do know that she has an elementary aged daughter with special needs, a preschooler, and a baby. J's husband is back in their home country in Africa for a month, so J is basically a single parent while he's gone. I watched as she unloaded the wheel chair form the back of the van, settled her oldest daughter into it, and parked her to wait outside of the door while she unloaded the younger two. The Holy Spirit just darned near reached out and physically poked me. I am not usually one to just walk up and talk to someone I don't know (another post coming about this one soon) - but I hurried the kids out of the car and found myself asking J if she needed help. Her response, "Yes, thank you." I handed my Bible and notebook off to Sister and offered my hand to the preschooler while J unstrapped the baby. I found myself escorting a four year old to her class while pushing the wheel chair of her older sister. As I made my way to my small group I realized how little that took of me to help her for what amounted to less than 5 minutes. I wonder how often I ignore situations where I could help others because I'm too consumed with my own comfort.
After our small group, I met Sister and Boober in the foyer of the worship center and we ran into my parents as they were getting out of the early service. My dad wanted to know when the CEO was coming out to help him adjust the settings on his new spreader so that he could fertilize his hay pasture. My immediate response was that I didn't know because he had things to get done at our house. What I was not saying was that his wanting the CEO to come out and help him was interfering with my plans for all four of us to be at home and just do nothing. It also meant that if he went out to their house, I would have to do anything that needed to be done around our house - laundry, empty the dishwasher - you know those real
strenuous time consuming things that just have to be done. All I wanted to do was go home and either read or take a nap. I was so consumed with myself and my plans - which weren't really plans at all - that I went on in to worship mildly frustrated. Throughout worship I could feel the Holy Spirit trying to get my attention - I even became emotional at one point and quickly dried the tears that threatened to run off what little mascara I had bothered with.
It wasn't until we all got home and the CEO left to go help with the spreader that God really made me aware of how selfish I am. He began to speak very clearly in my head that the CEO would rather be at home with his feet propped up on the ottoman flipping between the Cowboys, the Texans, and snoring. I was quickly reminded of all my parents have done and continue to do for us at a moment's notice; yet when it was time for one of us to help them, I didn't want to give up what I thought was more important - NOTHING, really.
Since yesterday - yes, I know, it hasn't even been 24 hours - I find myself focusing on the fact that I am selfish. I want to tell myself this everyday (probably 100 times a day) so that I might actually focus on something other than my wants.
Father God, Lord Jesus -
I come to you confessing that I am selfish. I don't know if I've ever really acknowledged that. I see it in the way I ask the kids to stop what they are doing and let the dog out when I am sitting 3 feet away reading a book. I see it when I walk into the bedroom, see a pile of clothes waiting to be folded, and walk away thinking that the CEO will do it when he comes home. I see it when I tell someone that I can't cook a meal for someone because that's the only night of the week that I didn't already have somewhere to be. Father, continue to point these selfish moments out to me so that I can see them for what they are. I ask that you forgive me of this sin - I'm sure I'll have to ask forgiveness again, more than once. Thank you for the guilt that comes with these moments - it gets my attention. I want to be a servant to others and I know that I am missing opportunities to do so when I'm only worried about myself.
