The Lord is with Us through the Muddiness

I’ve decided that cancer is  like muddy water. You know that brownish green, stirred up lake water - it’s clear enough to see some shapes or what you think are your feet, but gunky enough that you can’t see what’s in front of you as you tread to keep your head above the surface? That’s what I feel like we are living in right now.

Over the Christmas break, we enjoyed life much like sitting lakeside and enjoying the subtle breeze and fresh air. We were able to spend that time with no appointments, no chemo, and almost no medications.  There were times that we could almost forget that cancer had invaded our family.  Tim continued to experience lingering side effects from the chemo, but was able to work at the farm and is still trying to build up his strength and stamina.

This week we went from enjoying the water lakeside, to jumping straight in the deep end.  Thank goodness we have a life jacket (more on that below).  Tim was scheduled for appointments at MD Anderson in the med center Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.  Wednesday he had an MRI at 8:15 a.m. and then was in a different building for blood work and a CT Scan at 4:30 and 7:30 p.m.  This sure made for a long day.

Thursday, he met with Dr. Chun to get the results from the CT and see if the liver resection was still a go.  The CT scan revealed that the masses on the liver are about the same size as the last time. But also confirmed that the “nodes” that were visible on both lungs are in fact malignant.  There are two  tumors on each lung and “multiple” lesions that are not of measurable size.  Dr. Chung explained that at this point, this information will not delay the liver resection, but does mean he will be seeing a thoracic surgeon to determine the next course of action.  When he called me to give me this news, I felt like I was sinking fast and couldn’t see more than 12 inches in front of me. Remember that muddy lake water, I was at the bottom stuck in the sticky silt and sand.

He also found out that his consultation with the rectal surgeon on Friday would include a procedure we weren’t previously aware of, so I made the decision to accompany him on Friday. While meeting with Dr. Skibber on Friday, we learned that the rectal tumor has extended through the rectal wall to invade at least one lymph node and some other close organs. He explained that at this time, the rectal tumor and directly connected sites are at the bottom of the priority list since the liver and lungs are both organs necessary for life. If and when we get to the point of removal, it will be a bigger surgery than initially thought due to the other areas involved.

If you read the first post after diagnosis, then you know that I firmly believe that the Holy Spirit gave me Isaiah 43:2 and now it is very clear that we don’t have a life jacket, but a life giver. The Lord is in the muddy water with us carrying us along and keeping our heads above the water.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

Notice - He did not say “IF” you pass the waters or river or “IF” you walk through the fire.  He clearly said “when.”  We WILL have to pass through the waters and walk through fire.  This is our muddy water and He is with us. It is the only reason we continue to find joy and hope and peace when we can’t see through the mud what might be coming at us.