Give Thanks, Even in the Darkest Days

You know, this has easily been the most difficult week of my entire life. But I am choosing to walk into the grief and the sadness with thankfulness. This is going to have to be a conscious effort on my part, but I know it is what is going to get me through.  Paul wrote to the church at Ephesus, “always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” (5:20) He implores the Colossians to, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” (3:15) 

Thank you, Lord, for the 29 years I had with Tim.  These are just a few of the things I’m thankful for. 

• Provider
• Hardly ever called repairman
• Put up with my bossiness but convinced me to see his way
• Rarely questioned me
• Was my sounding board
• The best dad
• Always told the kids he loved them
• Hugged them
• Let them see him cry
• Taught them to work hard
• Let them make mistakes
• Told them to suck it up 
• Didn’t tolerate ignorance
• Detested laziness
• Served others - sometimes at the expense of family or so I thought.  
• Fair
• Loyal to a fault
• Wanted for nothing 
• Set up all our technology with patience
• patience
• Observant
• Sense of humor like none other
• Silly
• LAUNDRY
• Fighter
• Taught me compassion
• Moved us back to Huntsville despite my wishes - because the Lord told him to
• Wrapping Christmas presents - I’m terrible and didn’t do it good enough to his liking
• Weed eating.  I still don’t know how. 

A New Focus - Making Each Day Count

Over the last week, Tim has experienced a rapid decline in his health and quality of life.  Cancer tumors have taken over both of his lungs and he is having extreme difficulty breathing.  Between this and the fact that he is eating almost nothing, he has no energy and is easily zapped.

Today we embarked on something I wish upon no one - Hospice Care. I say that because for us it means there are no more viable options to cure or slow down the progression of Tim's disease. Although I desperately wish we didn't have to go through this, I am so thankful for people who walk with us through it.  Our primary care doctor cried with us, prayed with us, and expedited paperwork to get us moving in the right direction.  The admissions nurse was most helpful and explained everything - for those of you who have experienced my "lists," you know this can be a daunting task. We already know that we are blessed with a hospice doctor who will give us the very best care - she's the entire reason we chose the hospice organization we did.  Let me just say, Hospice Care is a gift.  Those who choose to work in hospice are gifted and it's a gift to the patients and their families. 

This is awful and I hate every minute of it, but know that one day our tears will become fewer and we will be able to treasure the memories we have. For now, the four of us are spending as much time together as possible.  We laugh, we cry, and we just sit in silence together.  We know life goes on around us and I'm trying to keep the kids' schedules as normal as possible, for one day we will reenter everyday life with a new normal.

Pray specifically for Cooper and Abby as they live this horrible experience. They are my and Tim's biggest concern.

Home Sweet Home

I came home last night and the kids and I slept in a bit this morning.  We were planning to get there before the doctors made their rounds, but my brother called at 8:40 to tell me that they would be discharging Tim today.  After a long day of waiting, we finally made it home about 6:00pm. Praise the Lord! We continue to covet the many prayers coming our way.

Psalm 95:2-3 Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song. For the LORD is the great God, the great King above all gods.

What day is it?

Day 4 is all we know.  Neither of us knew the date or the day of the week when we woke up this morning.  I finally wrote it on the board.  It also dawned on us that we will “gain an hour” tomorrow night. Not real sure what to think about that.  You’ll understand more in a bit.

Discharge Date is Blank 😢

After a VERY LONG night, doctors made rounds early this morning.  We were up 8 times between 10pm and 6am. That’s 8 times in 8 hours!! I was dead on my feet! The way I calculated it is that if we gain an hour, that’s one more time we have to be up in the night, not one more hour of sleep. 😩

The primary care team feels his elevated WBC is related to the cancer as he has no other signs of infection.  They were clear that the goal to go home is still to get his numbers up - most importantly his RBC and his sodium.

Nephrology has put him on a limited fluid intake in an effort to keep from flushing any sodium and ordered an MRI of his brain for late this evening to see if there is anything they can see that might be causing the low sodium count.  (My math above is the liquid he has ingested today so far.)

As far as the RBC, he is currently getting a blood transfusion.  

Mel, Tim, and his new blood. 

Regardless of the length of time we’ve been here or will be here, we know we are blessed and are thankful for so many things.  We’ve had excellent care from his nurses (Mel above has been his day nurse these last few days), PCPs, doctors, and his case manager who has set up his oxygen at home already.  We have a really nice big room that is comfortable for both of us.  We are thankful for our friends who continue to check on us and pray for and with us. Our families have done everything we’ve needed and asked.  (My brother is coming to stay tonight so that I can go home and SLEEP 💤 and spend time with the kids. I told Tim that Andy better get the full experience of being up every hour!). Our kids have been real troopers through all of this. The Lord has blessed us by allowing us to be their parents.