O me of little faith?

A couple of posts ago, I made a statement that my posts may not be on a level of any theologian, but they would be honest.  Well, here's to honesty and being real.

Over the past week I found myself worrying about a situation at school.  I don't mean that I just thought about it and prayed about it each day - I mean I worried in the sense that I allowed it to consume me.  On one particular day last week, my Bible study began with the story of Alona who was facing a surgery that would require that she remain in bed for one full year.  She realized that she had no choice but to face the surgery and allow God to carry her through this particular storm of her life.  At the end of my time studying God's word that morning, I felt like I needed to ask God to carry me through the storm I was facing.  I found myself on the floor of my bedroom asking God to do just that - BUT it felt fake.  In my heart, I really didn't want God to carry me through it.  I wanted him to carry me around it.

I began to wrestle with what I thought I was supposed to be asking for and what I really wanted.  The longer I prayed through it, the more I realized that I didn't even want Him to carry me around this particular storm - I just wanted God to calm the storm. In my mind this meant "just make it go away." This began some heavy thinking and praying on my part because I immediately felt guilty for wanting God to calm the storm I was enduring.

There were three different scenarios for facing this storm with God:

1. Put total faith in Him and allow Him to carry me through it, trusting that however it ended, it would be okay. I tried this, but as I said before, it just felt fake.  I felt like I was lying to God as I spoke these words, because it's not really what I wanted and He knew it.  Because I couldn't honestly ask for this, did this mean I didn't trust Him to carry me through it?  Was my faith lacking?

2. Allow God to take me around the storm. In my mind this meant me letting it go - not worrying about it and it just be resolved with me watching from the outside.  I found myself praying for this scenario at times. I even prayed "For I know in whom I have believed and persuaded that He is able to keep which that I've committed to Him against that day."  2 Timothy 1:12. This is an old hymn I grew up singing and a few years ago heard in a women's Bible study group that one way to deal with worry was to write down my worry/prayer and then add that verse to the bottom of the page and throw it away.  This was a physical way to give it to God.  I thought "I'm giving it to God and trusting Him, so all is good."

3. Asking God to calm the storm.  I felt a little guilty asking God to do this for me.  God clearly spoke to me when I finally worked my way to the realization that this was what was in my heart during this particular situation. In both Matthew 8 and Luke 8, we learn of Jesus and His disciples facing a storm on the sea.  When His disciples called out to Him, He asked them where was their faith (O ye of little faith - Matthew 8:26), and He calmed the storm.  I was reminded that Jesus is in the business of calming storms. Asking Him to calm mine AND BELIEVING that he would do so, indeed showed as much faith on my part as trusting Him to carry me through the storm.

I now understand that each of these ways to deal with storms are all valid at different points in life depending on the storm.  Regardless, I know that God will carry me through the storm, around the storm, or calm the storm.  I have to know that however He chooses to face the storm is the best way of dealing with it.  Although the Spirit revealed to me some truths about faith and trusting God, ultimately I learned I have to be honest and real with God.  To not be is to not trust and lack faith.

A Snake at My House is a Dead Snake

I've often told people that a snake in my yard is a dead snake.  How true I wish this was...because there's one snake who's raising his angry head right now and I'm none too happy about it.

I've always known that the closer I get to God, the more concerned Satan becomes with me.  I guess I'm begin successful in my attempt to draw closer to the Lord, because that ugly snake is attacking in many ways right now.

I have a friend who asked that I pray specifically for confirmation as they are proceeding in the process of adoption.  I committed to do so and felt lead yesterday to message her a written prayer. It wasn't long, but very specific and to the point.  Immediately after sending it, I began to second guess myself.  I began to think of all of these things that I could have added to it.  I could have changed the words to make them sound better. I should have included a big section of thanksgiving. It was already out there in cyberspace; I couldn't take it back.

As the evening continued, I began to feel like maybe I sent it to make myself look better - to "prove" to her that I was actually praying like I said I would. I couldn't get out of my head that I just never should have sent it.

Until I realized that all of these thoughts were Satan needling me, making me questions myself.  When I sent the message, my intent was to pray. That was it. There was no selfish motivation - as a matter of fact, I wasn't even thinking of myself at the time.  I did it for the right reason. How it was received - I can only leave up to God. I have to continue to press on and do what I know God is calling me to do and not look back. When I kill a snake in the yard, I cut its head off.  I have to know that God has already "cut off the head of Satan" in my defense. (Please don't misunderstand, Satan is alive and fighting as hard as he can. BUT God has already won the war in my life. Satan just can't seem to figure it out.)

**I'm including a picture of Cooper and a giant snake at the Houston Zoo earlier this week.  Although, I can't stand snakes of any kind - Satan, especially - Cooper seems to kind of like them.

WARNING - to Tim, Abby, and Cooper

I'm telling my husband and children everyday that they should be afraid - CHANGE is coming and it's going to be big! It has become very obvious to me that God is calling us to make changes in our lives and I, for one, am going to be obedient to His instruction.  I can't begin to discuss it all in this one post, so I decided to revitalize my blog in an attempt to chronicle what it is I hear Him calling us to do, my thoughts about it, and our reactions.  I can't pretend that it's going to be easy, pretty, or even that we are going to be obedient the first time, but I am at a place in my life where I believe that NOW is the time. God is working around us and we are going to be in a place to join Him in that work.

I guess I'll start with what's been going on the last few months that has lead me to this particular place. I won't go into detail here, but I know that upcoming posts will focus on each of these "encounters" as they relate to the upcoming changes.

1. Our pastor at University Heights Baptist Church, Dr. Richard Rogers, has been teaching on this whole idea of making a difference in the world we live in and that God is getting ready to turn this world upside down.  
2. I have recently read Jen Hatmaker's radically, life-changing book 7.  It is without a doubt the most thought provoking and life moving book I've ever read. (And I've read A LOT of books.) 
3. I met with a group of about 40 women from our church to begin thinking about how women's ministry can better serve the women of our church and community.

I do not like change; I do not handle change very well. When I thought about and finally looked up synonyms for change, this is what came up: adjustment, break (yikes!), correction, development, modification, mutation (not so sure I like this one), revolution, and transformation. (There were others, but these really stuck out to me as being meaningful in the change that we are living. THIS IS SCARY!  But I don't find myself as scared as I think I should be.  There is a very real peace about all of this because I KNOW that we are moving in the right direction.

So where are we going from here.  Tim and I are committing the month of July to prayer - seeking God's will  as to how to proceed in getting rid of excesses in our family. (This is the premise of Jen's experimental journey in 7.) As we spend this month in prayer, join us to see how God would want you to make changes in your own lives. I can't promise that my posts will be full of scripture and teaching and God breathed, life-changing, thoughts, but they will be honest and real.