A couple of posts ago, I made a statement that my posts may not be on a level of any theologian, but they would be honest. Well, here's to honesty and being real.
Over the past week I found myself worrying about a situation at school. I don't mean that I just thought about it and prayed about it each day - I mean I worried in the sense that I allowed it to consume me. On one particular day last week, my Bible study began with the story of Alona who was facing a surgery that would require that she remain in bed for one full year. She realized that she had no choice but to face the surgery and allow God to carry her through this particular storm of her life. At the end of my time studying God's word that morning, I felt like I needed to ask God to carry me through the storm I was facing. I found myself on the floor of my bedroom asking God to do just that - BUT it felt fake. In my heart, I really didn't want God to carry me through it. I wanted him to carry me around it.
I began to wrestle with what I thought I was supposed to be asking for and what I really wanted. The longer I prayed through it, the more I realized that I didn't even want Him to carry me around this particular storm - I just wanted God to calm the storm. In my mind this meant "just make it go away." This began some heavy thinking and praying on my part because I immediately felt guilty for wanting God to calm the storm I was enduring.
There were three different scenarios for facing this storm with God:
1. Put total faith in Him and allow Him to carry me through it, trusting that however it ended, it would be okay. I tried this, but as I said before, it just felt fake. I felt like I was lying to God as I spoke these words, because it's not really what I wanted and He knew it. Because I couldn't honestly ask for this, did this mean I didn't trust Him to carry me through it? Was my faith lacking?
2. Allow God to take me around the storm. In my mind this meant me letting it go - not worrying about it and it just be resolved with me watching from the outside. I found myself praying for this scenario at times. I even prayed "For I know in whom I have believed and persuaded that He is able to keep which that I've committed to Him against that day." 2 Timothy 1:12. This is an old hymn I grew up singing and a few years ago heard in a women's Bible study group that one way to deal with worry was to write down my worry/prayer and then add that verse to the bottom of the page and throw it away. This was a physical way to give it to God. I thought "I'm giving it to God and trusting Him, so all is good."
3. Asking God to calm the storm. I felt a little guilty asking God to do this for me. God clearly spoke to me when I finally worked my way to the realization that this was what was in my heart during this particular situation. In both Matthew 8 and Luke 8, we learn of Jesus and His disciples facing a storm on the sea. When His disciples called out to Him, He asked them where was their faith (O ye of little faith - Matthew 8:26), and He calmed the storm. I was reminded that Jesus is in the business of calming storms. Asking Him to calm mine AND BELIEVING that he would do so, indeed showed as much faith on my part as trusting Him to carry me through the storm.
I now understand that each of these ways to deal with storms are all valid at different points in life depending on the storm. Regardless, I know that God will carry me through the storm, around the storm, or calm the storm. I have to know that however He chooses to face the storm is the best way of dealing with it. Although the Spirit revealed to me some truths about faith and trusting God, ultimately I learned I have to be honest and real with God. To not be is to not trust and lack faith.
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