No Mo Chemo (for a while, anyway)

At 2:30 today I disconnected the pump and removed Tim’s needle for the last time for a while. Tomorrow he begins the time necessary to recuperate before the surgery to resect his liver.  Even though, these last few rounds were rough, he handled what was considered the worst cocktail of chemo for colorectal cancer with relative ease.  Both Dr. Nelson and Dr. Chun were shocked that he continued to work and maintain as normal a life as he did.

We are so very thankful for the care he’s received thus far and are anxiously preparing for what’s next.  Tim has several appointments January 3-5 to prepare for surgery and to consult with the rectal surgeon to make plans for after the liver surgery.  With that being said, surgery to remove about 60% of his liver has been scheduled for Friday, February 2.

Until then, we are looking forward to spending Christmas without cancer dictating our time.

Not Uncertain for Long

Jeremiah 17:14 says, “Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.”  We have cried out to the Lord for healing and today we are celebrating plans for Tim’s cancer to be eradicated. 

When we left the doctor’s office two weeks ago we were expecting to be referred to a surgeon sometime in January.  Once again, those were our plans and timeline, not God’s.  We received a message Friday afternoon at 4:30 saying Tim had an appointment today (Monday) at noon.  We travelled downtown to the medical center today to consult with a liver surgeon at MD Anderson.   

From the very beginning, we were both very comfortable with her PA and with the doctor. Dr. Chun felt that he was an excellent candidate for a resection and that the timing was perfect.   

Current plans are to have one more chemo infusion this Friday and then wait 5 to 6 weeks before performing surgery. In that time, he will have another scan with contrast downtown to get exact measurements and volumes on January 3 and see the doctor again on the 4th to finalize plans for surgery. She explained that in order for Tim to be a candidate for a liver resection, he would need to have at least 20 to 30% of healthy liver. God has created the human liver to be able to regenerate itself in a matter of weeks!

She showed us the scans and explained that his entire left liver is consumed with tumors and at least one extends to the right side.  Her initial estimates are that she will remove about 60% of his liver. She explained that this could not be done laparoscopically, but would require a full incision to open his entire abdominal cavity. 

She said she expects that he’ll be in the hospital about a week and then home with a recovery time of about 6 weeks.  We know this will be a difficult time as I try to split my time between the medical center and home with the kids, but we are blessed with such a huge support system that I know the Lord has placed in our lives for this time.  

Tim’s official diagnosis was stage 4 colorectal cancer, but all of this is about the liver....he is also being referred to a colorectal surgeon to consult about the initial tumor.  We don’t know exactly when this will happen. Maybe January. That treatment could include radiation, surgery, chemo, or some combination.  It is secondary at this point because of the liver being such a vital organ. 

All of this was a lot to take in and most unexpected, but for the first time we are talking about “curing him of cancer” versus “treating his cancer.” For this, we give all of our praise and glory to our savior and healer, the Lord Almighty. 

“We proclaim how great You [God] are and tell of the wonderful things You have done.” Psalm 75:1

Uncertainty about Surgery

Yesterday we received a phone call from Dr. Nelson’s nurse letting us know that Tim has been referred for a surgery consult in January.  This doesn’t mean he will have surgery.  This just means a surgeon is now going to be involved in the treatment plan going forward.  While we are waiting on the official appointment notification and his visit to Dr. Nelson next Thursday, my mind is reeling with uncertainty. I don’t know what to pray for or against.  On one hand, I feel like a liver resection would be good because it might possibly be what leads to physically taking the cancer out of his body and making him cancer free.  On the other hand, I fear that surgery may lead to other things that I don’t want to face.  If they remove all of the cancer from the liver, then will they attempt to remove the rectal tumor? And can they do that and put him back together? What about infection? Blood clots? God is definitely teaching me that I have NO CONTROL in this.  I’m reminded of this in Isaiah 45:6-7. That men may know from the rising to the setting of the sun That there is no one besides Me.  I am the LORD, and there is no other.

Despite all of this, Tim seems to be feeling better.  I’ve noticed this week that his energy level is up and his spirits are better.

V Week

If you know us very well, then you know that if you come to our house we are most likely watching ESPN or at least some other channel that has a football game, basketball game, baseball game, car racing, or golf on. Jim Valvano and many others are memorialized and honored on ESPN and through basketball games each year to raise funds for cancer research. This week is V Week and we are seeing the videos from a new perspective. Some things that have stood out to us:

1. “Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.” These words of Valvano’s were one of the first things I said to Tim after the diagnosis. I remember telling him in the car on the way home from the doctor that he couldn’t give up. The kids and I need him to keep on fighting.

2. “Cancer is just a speed bump in life that makes us slow down.” Tim pointed out that his diagnosis has definitely put things in a different light. I know of a couple of people who have called Tim an Energizer bunny.  He’s always been one to always be doing something until he just couldn’t physically go anymore.  Well now he can’t keep going. He’s tired, sick some days, and his eight hours of infusion forces him to be confined to a hospital bed.  He doesn’t have a choice but to slow down.

3. Stuart Scott said, “Fight like hell until you can’t fight anymore. Then lay down and rest and let someone else fight for you.”  We had no idea how many people would be supporting us through this journey and are willing to fight for us when he can’t and I’m just too tired.  I can’t say enough how blessed we are to live and work in this community.

4. Cancer research is saving lives. Because of previous research, trials, and studies, Tim is being treated with a regimen of chemo drugs that has proven to work and is working in his body.  Tim had a follow up scan on Monday and we went to the doctor yesterday to get the results. The report showed that the tumor and lesions on his liver are all responding to the treatment and have decreased in size.  Praise the Lord! At this time, Dr. Nelson is presenting Tim's case to the tumor board at MD Anderson within the next few weeks to see if he is a candidate for a liver resection.  Until we receive further information regarding this, he will continue with the same treatment plan.  He will receive his 5th round of chemo tomorrow and is scheduled for a 6th round on December 15.

5. God is still in control.  In the coming days, join us in praying specifically that all cancer be eradicated from his body and that Tim would be able to manage the side effects of chemo that is building up in his body.

To watch the two videos that inspired this post click on the links below.

https://www.facebook.com/ESPN/videos/1875829912463756/

https://www.facebook.com/ESPN/videos/1875829912463756/

Thankful and Blessed

In our 21 years of marriage, we have experienced ups and downs and often wondered why the Lord didn't answer our prayers in the way we wanted.  We always knew He had plans for us even when they didn't align with our desires.  This was never more evident than when he lead Tim to HISD Transportation.  This move was never on our radar, but we now know that He was leading us to a group of people for just this moment.  There is not a more giving or caring group than the staff and bus drivers at transportation.  Over the past five years, we have seen them give time, food, and money every time one of their own was in need.  Now was our time. Despite our wishes, they organized and carried out a fish fry benefit to help cover Tim's medical expenses. These people worked tirelessly while still ensuring that the students were picked up before school and delivered home after school.  We were overwhelmed by their selflessness and by the outpouring of support by those in our community and there are no words to express our gratitude.

Now for the update...chemo treatments have continued as scheduled and we are at the end of the original eight-week timeline. Chemo has not been easy, but Tim has handled it much better than we could have ever expected so far.  The worst side effects have been severe abdominal cramping, cold sensitivity, and fatigue.  While he's on the pump on the weekends, he's also learned that "chemo brain" is no joke.  He's learned to manage the side effects as best he can and continues to do as much as he can at work, at home, and with the kids.  At his last doctor's appointment, his tumor marker was down again and liver function appears to be normal. This is all good news.  He will have another CT scan on Monday and we expect to get the results and the next treatment plan on Wednesday. We are prepared for another chemo regimen, as they have already scheduled time at the infusion center for Friday, but we will wait and see.

For reasons we wish we weren’t having to experience, we are truly celebrating this Thanksgiving. You see, 69 days ago, Tim received the phone call telling him they had found a mass. It feels like much longer than two short months ago and really puts life into perspective.  We know that all of our time on earth is but a blink in God's eternity and we must not take our moments for granted.

Tired vs Weary

Let me first say that I have learned true community and accountability over the last few years from a small group of women that was divinely put together.  We have spent time in Bible study, prayer, mourning together, belly laughing, and sweet fellowship.  We’ve experienced new jobs, new marriages, family struggles, and now cancer.  These ladies encourage me, support me, and call me out when I’m not being honest with myself.

Last night I made myself go meet with my small group - even though I just wanted to go home and hide away from the world.  As we were walking to the building where we meet, I commented, “I’m tired of being tired.”  Wrong thing to say - or maybe the right thing.  My friend Christine point blank asked if I was tired or “weary.”  Hmmmm.

I have not been able to stop processing this idea since then and know that’s it’s definitely weariness.   Here’s what I feel like the Lord has given me.

1.  Being tired is more about physicality.  That doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect the mind, but it roots itself in physical fatigue and exhaustion. At the end of a long day, I’m tired.  After exercising or working in the yard, I’m tired. My tired body and mind crave rest - sleep.

2.  Being weary is about your soul and mind.  It’s rooted in emotions and thoughts.  When my mind and spirit are wrapped up in thinking about living life with cancer, I grow weary. When I think about people around me who are hurting, I grow weary.  When I think about a never ending to do list, I grow weary. My weary soul needs Jesus - prayer.

3.  I can’t allow weariness to take over to the point that I miss opportunities to serve others or follow the Spirit’s leading.  I have to lean into my shelter and refuge. I have to allow the Father to restore my soul so that I can pour into others for His glory.

What opportunities are you missing because you’re weary? “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28-29

Grateful While Learning to Be Gracious

My last post was the day before the second round of chemo and here we are completing our third round two weeks later. Two additional drugs were added to the regimen on the second round - one to help the chemo work better and and the second to try to alleviate some of the side effects. Tim noticed that he did recover within a few days and was able to manage the side effects he did experience.

He returned for a check up this last Thursday and was told that his liver numbers look "excellent" and the tumor marker has dropped in half since starting chemo.  This was all good news and we are extremely thankful.

On Friday, he received the third round of chemo.  This time they decided to do all of the infusion in one day, so he had right at 7 hours and 45 minutes of infusion time.  This made for a long Friday.  When he returned home, he immediately noticed new side effects - eye twitches, spasms in his feet and toes, and hand shaking.  Another side effect is the insomnia, which just adds to his tiredness throughout the day.  Overall, he's just extremely weak and tires very quickly. However, considering what we were told to expect, he's managing the treatments pretty well.  We know it could be much worse.

This journey is not fun in any way, but we have been very blessed and are extremely grateful for everyone who has reached out to us with meals, rides for the kids, yard work, and we continue to receive numerous cards in the mail everyday.  We had no idea how many people would be there to support us through this fight and are overwhelmed each and every day.

Honorary Team Captain 10/13/17

Tim was honored by Head Coach Rodney Southern and the entire football team and staff when he was asked to represent those who are cancer survivors, those whose lives were taken to cancer, and those who are currently fighting cancer.  This was not something he wanted to do as it calls attention to him, but he did and it was a sweet moment.  

It's been extremely difficult to be on the receiving end of so much love and attention. At times, I've found it embarrassing. But I know the Lord is teaching me things through this.  Ephesians 4:2 says, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." It's this humility that I struggle with.  I don't like feeling like a charity case.  I know this is not at all what people intend or think.  It's my own insecurities. This is not something new for me, but through this experience I am practicing being gracious in my acceptance of the blessings of others. 

When Fear Leaves You Speechless, Joy is That Much Sweeter

Last Thursday morning, Tim and I left the house just after 6:00 to head to The Woodlands for lab work and a follow up with Dr. Nelson. For those of you who know me well, you know I’m a talker. Tim says riding in the car is open season for me to talk non-stop about nothing. Thursday morning this was not the case. I don’t think either of us said much on the ride down there. It was an unusually quiet ride.

We had decided that there was no need for me to go in to the lab while he had his blood draws, so I dropped him off at the front door of St Luke’s and went to park.  I hadn’t even pulled in to a parking spot and he was already out. This meant we had an hour to sit and wait before we were to see the doctor. Now if it were 10:00 am and not 6:45, we could have found several ways to pass our time, but instead we found ourselves sitting in car in the parking garage while we waited. Once again, neither of us had much to say.  We were both nearly crippled with fear, but neither was willing to talk about it. Tim later admitted that he felt deep down that the PET scan was going to show that the cancer had spread to his bones.  My fear was that it was in every organ. Yet neither of us were willing to admit it out loud.  After having been together for almost 28 years, there are very few times that we have been unwilling or unable to talk about whatever’s bothering us. But this time, we couldn’t.  I carry this metal ring of notecards that I’ve written verses on everywhere I go. Most are about God being in control, not being afraid...things like that.  I let go of all of that and allowed Satan to take hold of my worries

The time arrived to go in and I’m not sure how I put one foot in front of the other.  I remember clutching my red binder (yes, a post is coming soon) and making our way up to the 4th floor. I was so  caught up in my intermittent worries and prayers that I actually went and sat in the wrong waiting area while Tim checked in. .

Once we were in the room, the dietician came in and I clung to everything she said.  Much like my need to organize everything in my binder, I felt like this was something I could control.  I am constantly reminded that the Lord is in control and I know this, but there is still a fleshly part of me that likes that false sense of control.  We were able to be very specific when answering her questions because I had documented everything in my binder, so we learned a lot from her and hope to maintain, if not gain, weight and hopefully tolerate the chemo better.

The nurse was next and she shared a copy of the lab work from the morning, but we didn’t even have time to compare them before Dr. Nelson came in. He spent time asking about how Tim had felt, how he’d tolerated the chemo, and any side effects he’d noticed. He told us he wanted to add an additional drug to the regimen on Friday. It’s not chemo but is a targeted vasculation drug to open up blood vessels to allow the chemo to work better and hopefully close off overactive blood vessels near the cancer sites.

At this point we were both anxiously waiting for him to address the CT of the chest and the PET scan, but neither wanting to say anything. He then transitioned to the papers in his hand. He started with the lab work and said, “Your labs look good.”  He continued by saying, “Neither the CT of the chest or the PET scan show anything that we weren’t already aware of and treating.”  At this point I think we both exhaled a huge sigh of relief.  It’s like we were finally able to breathe. The cancer is contained to the rectum and liver at this point. This isn’t good news, but it’s definitely not more bad news.

As we made our way back down and out to the parking garage, we both were able to express our earlier fears and felt a nenewed since of fight and purpose. We both know that this is a long fight, but one we can endure only if we are steadfast in our relationship with God, honest with each other (learned from this one), and willing to lean on our family and friends when we need to.

Continue to pray with us that the chemo works and he tolerates it well.  My verse to memorize this week is Isaiah 45:6-7. That men may know from the rising to the setting sun that there is no one besides Me. I am the LORD, and there is no other.  Hopefully this will remind me that I have NO control and don’t need any!

Port, Round 1, & Real Prayer - Wait...I think I have those backwards.

James 5:16 says, “Confess your faults (sins) one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”

I memorized part of this verse years ago - the part that says, “the fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”  What I left out was the entire first sentence.  The instruction to confess your sins and pray for one another must happen SO THAT...any time there is a “so” or “that” we best pay attention...you may be healed.  I most definitely want Tim to be healed and SO now it’s confession time.

I came home after learning of Tim’s diagnosis and laid out on the floor and pleaded with God to heal Tim - to take the cancer from his body. In the midst of my ranting I explained to God that He couldn’t take Tim because he was my everything.  Immediately, the Holy Spirit subtly reminded me that there was my problem. Tim should not be my everything, my Heavenly Father wants to be. My sin was putting my kids and Tim before my relationship with the Lord.

So on to that part of the verse I had memorized. Did you notice I left out the word “effectual” in my memorized version? Hmmmm. My idea of fervent prayer was passionate, vehement.  I have that down! No doubt I can be vehement, but what was missing was the “effectual” part. My impassioned begging was probably just a bunch of gibberish and may even have grieved the Spirit. My relationship with the Father was taking a back seat to my desire for Him to do what I wanted still want Him to do.  I can’t say I have given this up 100%, but rather am in process.  It’s an everyday trial for me.

Now that I’ve confessed where I’ve been (and yes it’s going to be scary to click the publish button), let me catch you up to where we are now.

Tim’s port was installed on Thursday morning, 9/28, and he had his first chemo infusion on Friday, 9/29.  He’s currently scheduled for a three-drug regimen every other Friday.  He receives  some supplemental drugs with two of the chemo drugs and iron in clinic.  It takes about 7 1/2 hours.  When leaving the infusion center, the nurse starts the third drug through a pump for a 48-Hour intermittent drip.  This means that because he finishes this infusion early Sunday evening, we either have to drive to MD Anderson in the medical center or I get trained to disconnect the pump, flush his lines, and remove the needle.  Guess what! We aren’t driving to Houston on Sundays for a 10 minute procedure.     I must say, I did pretty good the first time.  I’m pretty sure Tim was more nervous than I was.

He then returns to the infusion center on Mondays to return the pump and get a booster for his white blood cells.  The first round went fairly well. He was weak and tired very quickly, but was beginning to feel better by Wednesday and Thursday.  We knew side effects would rear their ugly head and by Friday Tim was back to feeling bad.  He was able to see Cooper play football Saturday morning and worked part of the day today, so we are celebrating the small things.  We know rough days are ahead, but will continue to practice James 5:16.

What’s next? We return to the doctor this Thursday to check in and get the results of the PET Scan and round two of chemo on Friday.  Please pray with us that this cancer be contained and respond to the chemo.

I’m thinking a post on my binder comes next! It’s definitely my sanity right now.

Fast Track to MD Anderson

To pick up where I left off, we came home Friday from the medical oncologist with a bleak outlook. We spent time at home over the weekend preparing to start radiation and an oral chemotherapy regimen. On Sunday morning, September 24, we went to church as a family and a very dear friend who is a fairly recent breast cancer survivor (Melanie) offered to contact her nurse navigator at MD Anderson if we wanted to “just see if we could get in and what they would have to say.”  We agreed to see what would happen and told her to go ahead.  On Monday morning just after 8:00, Melanie came to find me in a meeting and told me that the nurse navigator had called her and said her medical oncologist wanted to see us at 3:30 that afternoon.   At this point, everything moved at lightning speed.

Tim was scheduled to see the surgeon that afternoon to receive the official pathology results from the biopsy and the radiation oncologist to prepare for radiation. I started making phone calls cancelling appointments and trying to get copies of the results and CDs of the CT scan.

We showed up at MD Anderson in The Woodlands and sensed a difference from the moment we walked in the door. Dr Nelson and his nurse, Gio, spent almost two hours with us. He confirmed that it was stage 4 rectal cancer and felt a regimen of chemo was the best option to treat the initial tumor and subsequent matasteses. He thoroughly explained everything to us and wanted to move quickly. Gio scheduled a port installation for Thursday, September 28, and the first chemo infusion for Friday, the 29th.

As we walked to the parking garage at
5:30, we both left knowing that the Lord had parted waters to make all of this happen. We had a totally different outlook and knew that we were, without a doubt, moving in the right direction. Thanks be to God for Melanie’s willingness to walk with us through this! I thank my God upon every remembrance of you. (Philippians 1:3)

Some Background Info

Tim had not been feeling well for several months, but attributed all of it to the stress of serving as interim principal and director of transportation. During Hurricane Harvey relief, many people commented on the amount of weight he had lost (nearly 40 pounds) and the fact that he just didn’t look good.  When a friend and coworker suffered a gallbladder attack, he decided it would be a good idea to just get it checked out. Initially, he was treated for ulcers and was scheduled for a CT of the abdomen on Thursday, September 14.  At noon on Friday, the 15th, he received a call from a doctor and friend filling in for our PCP telling him that the CT showed a mass and some lesions.  He was referred to a surgeon the following Monday and scheduled for a biopsy on Thursday, September 21.

Before Tim was brought out of the operating room, I was called back to recovery and told that it was not good and the surgeon was confident that it was cancer.  A long time friend and OR nurse, Sherrie Ritter, was with me the entire time the doctor was explaining things. She gave me the best advice that truly fit my slight obsessive compulsive need to be organized.  She told me I would need a notebook and to keep up with everything so that I could advocate in Tim’s best interest. (My notebook deserves a post all its own - more to come on that.)

The surgeon called a radiation oncologist from the bedside and had us go straight there - Tim wasn’t even fully coherent.  We consulted with the radiation oncologist and he referred us to his medical oncology partner for the following day, Friday, September 22.

At this point we did not have pathology reports and all were consulting based on an assumption. We appreciated the quickness with which we were seen, but left Friday’s appointment feeling completely hopeless. The medical oncologist we met with gave us the option of surgery and a colostomy or 5 1/2 weeks of radiation, followed by 6 weeks of chemo, then surgery to remove the tumor, then another round of chemo.

 At this time, Tim had been on a liquid diet for seven days and was starving for food. The doctors advised that he continue on a liquid diet until radiation began to shrink the tumor. We had no idea what exactly to tell the kids and really didn’t even know what life he might have left.  Our minds went to the very worst scenarios. I know that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us and our sermon series right now is in Romans so I held on to Romans 8:26-27.

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for usthrough wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

Catching Up - Change of Purpose

Tim and I finally decided that blogging would be the best way to journal this journey and share information. Rather than write a long boring post, I’m going to start where we are today and over the next few posts, I’ll include some background information that got us to this point.

On Monday of this week (9/25), Tim was diagnosed with stage 4 rectal cancer.  He is being treated at MD Anderson. Luckily we are currently only having to drive to The Woodlands rather than down to the med center.  He received a port this morning and will start a three chemo drug regimen tomorrow. He will receive two drugs in clinic and finish a third on Saturday and Sunday at home. 

Many people have expressed their desire to help and I am working to get that coordinated - more to come on that.  At this time we covet your prayers for complete healing.  Only He knows the number of our days, but we are know in faith that He is with us and are clinging to this verse -

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2